Selfless love...
My lesson,
my pain,
My downfall!

Loyalty & Devotion...
My pride,
my hope,
My strength!

Passion & Lust,...
My life,
my drug,
My weakness!

All of this melted together in the burning fire within;
Cooled by the ice cold tears without;
Forging my fate, my double-edged sword!

Dreaming the impossible dream,
wishing upon a star,
but no use because even though
you are near,you are so damn far!

I so desperately want to reach out,
touch you and feel your warm embrace,
but I dare not express myself unless
I want to stare rejection in the face.

So much longing, so much passion
burning me up deep inside,
but I have to suffer this torture
for there is no place for me to hide.

I often hear your innuendo & your jokes and I smile,
but I know you mean it and inside I cry;
Your secret taste not completely my kind,
but I'm not supposed to know, so banish it from my mind;

I stand next to you and stare at the screen transfixed....
The shocking words in black and white,
the truth staring me in the face and my fears finally
materialized;
To spare your feelings, I don't say a word and pretend
that all is okay. I can almost hear your sigh of relief.

Do you know how much I fucking love you to pretend that all
is okay after staring the reason for my constant
rejection in the face?
Do you know what it does to me as a woman,now knowing
that I can never be what you truly desire?

I guess you will never know!

From the day we are born till the day we die, certain moments during  the course of our lives have a tremendous impact. We don't always  realize it, but these moments shape our personalities, it plays a huge part in who we are or who we become.
More often than not, these moments are not pleasant and we try and lock them away in a hidden closet of the mind, instead of accepting them as necessary tools of learning. The moments itself do not define who we are, its what we learn from these moments and how we apply it to our lives, that defines who we are.

My most defining moments so far (a work in progress):

• 4yrs old.Excited because I can hear the bell of the ice cream man down the road. I go outside with dad and the black man on the bicycle pulls up. Dad lifts me up to look inside the box and I take out a chocolate ice cream. I unwrap the ice cream and see a very big chunk is missing, someone took a bite out of it. I cry, dad looks down and sees the missing chunk. "You gave my child an ice cream that you have eaten? I will teach you a lesson Kaffir" He launches his fist and it lands with a mighty force on the ice cream man's face, blood on his mouth and nose. The man tries to explain that he did not do it, but it falls on deaf ears. He puts up his hands to defend his face as the fists rain down on him even more, blood running down his shirt, staining it red, but he doesn't fight back, because he can't........

That day I saw the face of  hate and discrimination for the very first time. I felt so bad about what happened and the fact that the man did not fight back really touched me deeply. I decided there and then that I will not become such an intolerant person and that I will do my best not to hate and discriminate. That moment made me the tolerant person that I am today and whenever I find my tolerance slipping, I remember the man with the bloodied face.

• 5yrs old. Mom bought a pink lipstick. I watched her putting  it on her lips before dad got home. She looked so pretty! As usual, we stood on the veranda, waiting to greet him as a family when he came home from work. He picked us up one by one and gave us each a kiss hello. Mom didn't get a kiss that day. Instead once inside, he called her horrible names because she was wearing lipstick.She tried to tell him that she put it on specially for him, but he was blinded by a jealous rage and was adamant it was to attract other men. She didn't want us to hear the words exchanged and walked to their bedroom, he followed and closed the door. I heard the screams, opened the door and saw him, his back to the door, kneeling over her and hitting her, while she was lying in a defenseless heap on the bed. I ran as fast as my little legs could, jumped on his back and started pummeling him with my tiny fists, screaming at him to get off my Mommy. He threw me off his back and I fell to the floor, but I got up from the floor and jumped him again and again .........After that day, he never hit her ever again.

That day I saw how destructive jealousy can be. How it can cause you to hurt those you love.That moment also proved to me that no matter how small or weak you are, you CAN make a difference in the life of another if you choose to set aside your own fear. That moment has made me become fearless whenever someone I care about, is in danger.

• 6 yrs old.The smell and taste of warm chips..later, the sun in the sky, the gentle breeze, the beautiful pink and white cosmos flowers surrounding us as we take the family photo next to the road. A few minutes later, the words "I love you daddy" a second later the crash, the blood, their bodies and dad hysterical, asking me to help him.The doctor said she was alive, I called him a liar, I said she was dead. A few days later, I stand next to her bed, she can't talk...she looks deep into my eyes and tears stream down her cheeks while I hold her hand tightly and she closes her eyes for the very last time...

My first taste of loss and misplaced guilt.My childhood ended that day and my responsibilities started. It unleashed the caring, strong adult in me.

• 8 yrs old. I come home from school. Dad is on the couch looking weird, ill and crying. I run over to him, concerned that he is ill, scared that he is dying. I  put a cold cloth on his head, give him pain killers and hold him in my arms, praying out loud that he will be okay. Step Mom comes from work, tells me to leave him, he is only drunk. I asked him if this was true, he nodded his head. I started to cry, berated him for lapping up my sympathy, for purposely feeding my fear that he is dying through his words and actions,but most of all for committing a sin. I locked myself in my room for the weekend, crying, reading the bible and praying for his soul....

That day showed me that we are all human and have feet of clay. That it is unrealistic to put any person on a pedestal, because inevitably there will come a time when they will disappoint and not meet my expectations. It also forced me to look at what motivates people to do the things that they do. That day my analytical nature was born.

• 9 yrs old. The rickety yellow school bus, the winding dirt road. The black mamba that lived outside the kitchen door, the sound of sun beetles and the baboon spiders in the shade.The waterfall down the road and the make-shift amphitheater...magical place!

This is where my love for nature and all its creatures was first born. Environments like that, is where I long to be and truly belong.

• 12 yrs old. Got chosen to sing solo in a play and recite poetry too. Excitedly telling the family. Dad says "How on earth did you get chosen? Your voice is so gruff!" I did not know he was joking. I withdrew from the play the next day, never to sing again to this day, not even in the shower......

This taught me the power of words. How something said in innocence can have an impact on a person for the rest of their lives and since then I have made a concerted effort not to say anything that can damage another person's self esteem.

• 17 yrs old. Home for Xmas. 8pm, lights on in the room,lying on the bed, talking to my stepsister. The shadow  above my head takes shape, the woman looks familiar, yet scary. She is trying to tell me something, but I can't hear her, I can't breathe.The more I back away from her, the closer she gets, I let out a scream and she disappears for a second, only to return. I'm hysterical and don't want to sleep in that room. I go to sleep in the spare room, got woken up with him leaning over me, telling me not to be afraid, he has a cloth folded neatly in the palm of his hand, as I was about to scream, the cloth was on my mouth, the smell of chloroform filling my nostrils........

This was not the first time I saw spirits, but this was the first one until then, who tried to verbally communicate with me.This episode taught me to be more open to and less fearful of the unknown and to listen intently for any message.Since that day I value each and every encounter, I heed their warnings and because I do, my life has been saved on more than one occasion. They are my guardian Angels indeed.

• 18 yrs old. Alone on night duty in the children's ward. No empty beds. Frantic, calling for help, but in vain. The blond haired boy dies in my arms. I continue to hold him, his head on my chest, till the doctor pitches an hour later.......I resigned the next day.

This episode highlighted something that I saw as a weakness in me, the fact that I can't bear to see suffering, pain and death in children and the vulnerable. It is still a great weakness in me and over the years has blossomed into a mighty, intense compassion for the oppressed and weak. So intense, that I can feel the pain and sadness of others as if it were my own. It can be overwhelming at times, but it has helped me to understand people better, to read them and enables me to help them.

• 19 Yrs Old. Went out to dinner to a pizza place, popped tabs with my friend. Afterwards in the disco, dancing next to the DJ Box. Everything is in slow motion, so tired, sit down on the floor, stare at the many legs around me. Got up to go to the bar upstairs, managed 3 stairs, took forever as the stairs were moving,apparently never made it to the top . Mid morning, opening my front door, two days later, still dressed in the same clothing, no clue where I've been or what I've done.........

This was a huge wake up call for me.From that day onwards, self control became extremely important to me. I've been a total control freak ever since.

• 21yrs old.The stars in the sky, the smell of sulfur in the air. The ruins, the magical atmosphere, the ritual.The night I bought my freedom with my soul...

 This night showed me how powerful magic can be and what lengths a person can go to, to obtain freedom, but I soon realized afterwards that  true freedom for freedom's sake is not freedom at all, as freedom can only exist in the heart and mind and even then its not always complete freedom.

• 22yrs old. Its 1am, standing on the peer watching the fishermen reeling in yet another baby shark.The moon shines on the incoming tide.The young would be thieve comes running down the pier, he stops in his tracks next to me,our eyes meet for a minute. The naked fear and pleading in his eyes. He looks over his shoulder, sees his pursuer and jumps off the pier into the turbulent waters. He can't swim,yet he jumped. He looks up at me, looks straight into my eyes.He doesn't struggle, doesn't try to swim. The fear in his eyes, replaced with calm and acceptance,holding my gaze, before his head slowly disappeared under the water for the very last time..

This man's death, the manner in which he died, his calm acceptance of the inevitable had a profound effect on me. It made me realize that no matter what, no matter how desperate we are, our actions will have consequences and that its better to accept responsibility for our actions than try to escape them, cause inevitably, we pay for our actions sooner or later, in some way or or another.

• 23 yrs. Its 1 am, a bitter cold winters night. I sit on a couch  close to the entrance, when "Poppie" opened the glass door. She is tall and skinny, wearing skin tight lycra pants and a revealing top, she is shivering from the cold. Its the first and only time I saw her. She got as far as 2 steps through the doorway when her husband stopped her. He asked her to hand over her money, which she quietly did. He counted it and swore and her, telling her how useless she was, telling her to get out and not come back until she brings him R1000. Tears streamed down the once beautiful, now weathered face. She told him she was tired, hungry and cold, but he roughly pushed her out the door. She called to her son, begging him to let her in, but he followed his dad's lead and swore at her instead.Never mind that she sold her body to put him through University! They sat down in their expensive chairs, smoking their expensive cigars,drinking their expensive whiskey, talked and laughed as if nothing happened. I got up and walked out the door, never to return. Later they would get into their expensive cars and drive to their luxury homes while "Poppie" was walking the beat to bring that R1000 home to feed their greed. Although I only saw her for a few minutes and never spoke to her, I still often think of her, I often cry for her and I will never forget her!

This showed me the raw, ugly side of human greed. How money can pervert and hurt. How it can turn love into abuse.How it opens doors for some, but only by shutting the door in the face of another.That is the day I started hating money with a passion!

• 25 yrs. Intense pain, but soon forgotten when I see the bundles of joy......

The day I was a participant in the miracle of life and for the first time felt unconditional love for another. The day I decided to become a more responsible person.

• 38 yrs. Looking down at the face I love and hate. Seeing the fear in the eyes. If I help, my pain remains, if I don't it all goes away. As tempting as it was, I chose to keep the pain.....

This day I consciously chose to make selfless love my life path.

• 44yrs old. Recognized you as you walk through my door. Been waiting for you my whole life!

For the first time in my life, I felt complete. I discovered that you can indeed love more than one person and that there is nothing wrong with it. It has also taught me that we can't always have what we want and that every moment is to be appreciated and treasured for what it is and as if its our last.

• 44 yrs.Opening the door and she is not there.The panic, the frantic thoughts, the naked fear. Getting dark and still not found.Later, begging, pleading on the phone, let me save you! Dying a thousand deaths a second until you told me where you could be found...

The first time I met naked fear. I realized then that love is not always enough, but prayers are answered if you truly believe.

• 45yrs.In hospital with dad.

From diagnosis to his death, he has proved to me that no matter how we have lived or lives, how we die makes all the difference and standing alone is okay. The last year of his life reinforced within me, all the good things that he has taught me as a child and helped me to finally master that illusive one, aka forgiveness.

I sit alone and wonder...
Where you are and what you are doing;
Do you think of me for a fleeting moment
or are you having too much fun?

I don't say a word and ask no questions,
but I wonder if you know that I worry?
That I only fall asleep once I hear your
footsteps as I then know that you are safe.

I sit alone and wonder...
Where you are and what you are doing;
Do you wish I was there with you
or are you glad I'm not as I will only cramp your style?

I don't say a word and ask no questions,
but I wonder if you know that I am very lonely?
That I'm trying my best not let you see
what your cold and distant nature is doing to me.

I sit alone and wonder...
Where you are and what you are doing;
Do you sometimes miss my touch 
or are you relieved to be on the couch?

I don't say a word and ask no questions,
but I wonder if you know that I'm slowly dying?
That to me friendship has never been enough
and that I've stopped long ago even trying?

I sit alone and wonder...
Where you are and what you are doing;
Do you really still truly love me
or have I become a comfortable habit?

I don't say a word and ask no questions,
but I wonder if you know that I do care?
That the lack of passion, love and affection
has finally pushed me to look for it elsewhere?

I sit alone and wonder...
Where you are and what you are doing;
Do you know why I chose to do what I do
or do you still see it as me having fun?

I don't say a word and ask no questions,
but I wonder if you know that I have a deep regret?
That I've always needed passion like I need the air I breathe
and that the lack thereof makes me wish that we've never met?

I don't need a companion;
I don't need a friend;
I'm loyal and despite everything,
will always be with you till the very end;
But I ask you with tears in my eyes,
please be more kind to my fragile heart,
the lack of passion, love and affection is tearing it apart!

Your words cut like a knife,
hurting me so fucking deeply,
because its the naked truth!

I'm truly heart broken.
I've always done my best to shield you
from the ever present danger
and have made a point of keeping
my secrets well hidden,
why couldn't he do the same?

If only I can explain, tell
you how it really is,but I can't!

In your eyes I'm a weakling, a coward
to the very end, but my girl how
wrong you are in that regard!
You have no idea what I go
through daily to protect you!
How strong I have to be to endure
what I do!
If only you could understand the
real danger and know that my inaction
is way better than the alternative!

I now know that in your eyes I'm
nothing and a disgrace to women
the world over and I can understand
your disgust and the fact that you
have lost all your respect for me.

That is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life!
Oh how I wish I can go back in time!

I just hope that you learn from my mistakes
and don't make choices that you will regret
for the rest of your life, cause believe me,
its absolute torture to live a life full of
regrets and pain,I should know!

I admire you standing your ground and speaking
from the heart, I just wish I could do the same
so you can understand how it really is, but I can't!
Telling you would place you in danger!


So,continue to hate me for now and when the time
is right and I know you are truly safe, I will set the
record straight and maybe then you will see things in
a different light.

I'm keeping you in the dark to protect you,
because you are my life, I love you so much!

You gave me life,
You taught me to be proud but also humble,
to be kind and gentle,
to turn the other cheek........
You taught me to be strong and to have faith,
to work hard and to never give up!
I want to thank you for that today!

We didn't always see eye to eye I know
and to the very end I never said the words
you so desperately needed to hear, because
I was too grown up, too stubborn, too proud!
Maybe Im just trying to make myself feel
better,but when we spoke for the very last
time, your eyes told me that you knew.

Despite the death sentence handed to
you, despite the suffering and pain you
went through, you kept your faith,
you remained strong and dignified and
you never gave up!

You have my utmost respect and admiration!
In your suffering and death, you have yet again
taught me a valuable lesson in life.........
That standing alone, is not such a bad thing after all!

I love you and miss you so much!
There.....I've finally said it!
Too late, I know!

Thought things would be different,
that I'd finally be able to breathe,
but wishful thinking!
I was so stupid, so naive!

Nothing has fucking changed!
I'm still the host and you the leech!
When will it end?
When I have no more to give
or when I finally get the guts to leave?

Will my empty shell be tossed aside
or will it be set on the mantelpiece with pride?

Everyday I die a little more
wishing for it all to end,
but no such luck,
you still have to be fed!

I chose this path so I
have to play the game.
I just hope that when the final whistle blows,
all this pain will not have been in vain!

So lost in Nowhere Land
Not here and not there;
Stuck in the middle,
being torn in two!

Cruel Time and Fate
Why now, why the long wait?

Tears when looking at you;
Tears when thinking about you;
Tears of joy and utter bliss;
Tears, constant tears,
cause you are the one I miss!

More than just lust;
More than just love;
More than just pain;
More than life itself!

No words can describe the intense
feelings that I have for you inside!

The day before you came
Going through the motions........
breathing, eating, working, sleeping...existing;
The mundane, the safe and the norm;
Content with what I have,
accepting that which is lacking;
Compromise, grayness, darkness.....
speckled with the occasional shooting star,
which while exciting, ultimately ends up
illuminating the reality of life;

Half human, half soul, incomplete...
The hunger, the ache for don't know
quite what.......
To fill the void, to be complete;

Then out of the blue,
something happens that
tears a tiny hole in the fabric
of my reality, introducing
me to the parallel world.....

Stepping through the door
The dark hair and eyes
I instantly recognize;
The handsome face
Seen before in a far away place;

Was it in a previous life
or perhaps in a dream?

These thoughts raced
through my head,
when we first met.

But it mattered not.
All that was important,
was that I have again
found that which I have lost.

Pulse racing, mouth dry,
So happy I could cry!

The very first touch,
transported back in time,
reliving sensations so sublime

Had a peek, time to withdraw,
So I quickly shut the door;
Knowing, yet to scared to see,
what waits on the other side for me...